Me... who does that even mean?!?

Sometimes it hits you that you've spent such a large portion of your life being someone else that you wake up one morning and realize you have no idea who you are. And that sounds crazy because obviously you must know yourself since you hangout with yourself all day everyday. But alas, it is not true. Which shocks me. I've run into the Wall of Realization(I totally just made that up but it sounds good) very recently that there are so many things I do not know about myself. I spent years living out a form of multiple personalities at once trying hard to be the independent person that I am while trying to adjust myself to fit into the unfortuante life choices I had made. That may sound concerning and confusing, mostly because it was; heck I was stuck in the middle of it and I was completely frustrated and confused. I changed who I was, what I stood for, what I believed, how I allowed myself to be treated by other people, what I liked and disliked and changed my very self to try and ensure that I would not be rejected, abandoned or deemed unworthy by one guy. Funny part of the story was that I was anyways. (I laugh here now because I said it was a "funny part" when really my life crumbled for over a year... and it was so the opposite, but I have regained my joy, so I laugh). Awkward... I talked about emotions...such serious posts lately... it happens.

So anyways, now my great fear I had this week that gave me a moment(or 23) of panic was that I might fall into the trap of my past again by giving people a false impression of myself and simultaneously pushing them away out of fear of hurting them and myself again. And I really, really do not want to do this. Not only is that unhealthy but hello that's crazy!! (It's ok that you were thinking it...or thinking of how crazy I just sound overall... but don't worry, it sounds weird to me too... soo ok, good, we're all on the same page here..) But clearly if I do not know who I am, how am I going to portray the real me to other people? And as brought up to me, if I can learn to be accepted and find my true value from God, only the creator of everything!, how much better and confident will my sense of self be? These are my thoughts today that were stirred up and made clearer to me by a friend this morning, whom I greatly appreciate. And so now I begin again on a journey to figure out just who I am now that I can just be 'me', free of guilt or expectation. Scary and exciting as it is.