Monday, July 2, 2012

Victory Engagement Story


I am a Victory story.

Friends, I’m going to be very vulnerable with you today. As previously mentioned, a year ago I was a man-hating, relationship-detesting, commitment-terrified, broken woman. This is so very true I cannot even express it further, I hid it from a lot of people but there are still many witnesses to my brokeneness, perhaps you are even one of them. I was so convinced that I should never trust a male and that marriage was all a scam that I knew I would be single forever because that made a lot more sense than to ever let myself be vulnerable and get hurt again. I was not upset about being single, I loved being single actually. Being single meant freedom from guilt, pressure and manipulation. It didn’t mean I was free from feeling used, worthless or betrayed but being single meant I could keep my heart hard and not have to let anyone in. It was working fabulously.

Then came this terrifying day when I realized someone had been working at my heart, chipping away at the hurt and pain I had cemented into the concrete surrounding it. I was longing to be released from my prison of pain but just didn’t know how to do it. Then came along a man capable of incredible healing. His name, was Jesus. Catch you off guard? Friends, I tell you no lie, if God had not come and started breaking away the hardness surrounding my heart then there would have been no chance for a human being to ever get near my last defense, a gate called ‘Yes’. God did some crazy healing in my tattered and crushed spirit and heart that allowed me to come alive again. Life made sense again. I had love and joy. Then this crazy thing happened… I noticed a man. Now I had a lot of male friends, but they were simply people I talked to, never wanting to get too close to any of them as my mind had made up that they were untrustworthy (no offense male friends). But I noticed that this certain man was definitely not trying to manipulate me, he wasn’t trying to make me feel guilty, he wasn’t trying to use me. A Godly man. And I also looked back and realized that this same man had been constantly encouraging me for the last few months, slowly working his way into my heart, my supposedly well guarded, impenetrable heart. That man prayed for me when I wasn’t around, he sent me verses God led him to, sent me uplifting quotes, encouraged me every day, all while I sat in my own world, oblivious to the fact that there were men of Godly character out there. He also knew he needed patience as I didn’t let anyone near me very easily. A lot of patience. Again I say, a lot. He kept his distance and would send girls to hug me when he knew I needed a hug because I was not keen on males being near me, he never secluded me in a group and made me feel cornered, he was honest, hilarious, encouraging, trustworthy, talented, weird, he was Andrew Smith.

Have you ever been bungee jumping or skydiving? It’s terrifying and you are hesitant at first, but once you make that first move to jump from a ledge or a plane… you are committed. You can’t stop mid bungee jump or skydive, that’s why you have to make sure the experience will be trustworthy beforehand. When standing or flying high in the sky looking down sheer terror and excitement overtake you and then you jump… and you are freed, wondering why you hesitated. This was the equivalent of jumping into a relationship for me: sheer terror. When Andrew asked me to go on a date with him, I had done my research on him though, I knew he was trustworthy and would never drop me, let me fall, or use me for his own benefit in any way; the only thing holding me back… was me. I had to make the conscience decision to be vulnerable again, to allow myself to be committed to another person, to know and allow my true self to show, to choose to step past my sheer terror of rejection, abandonment and pain to say yes. And I did.

Commitment ain’t easy, friends. Cross stitch that into a pillow. I fought to stay in a relationship, to stay committed, to look at issues and pain from my past square in the face and fight through it. It was hard, it made me cry, it made me tired, it overwhelmed me, it made me afraid of being hurt again, it made me worry, it made me feel weak, it made me nervous… it made me fight harder because I knew it would pay off. I knew that it was easier to just give up and avoid my issues for a bit longer but I didn’t cave in. And then, (and this is where you smile and tear up at how mushy I am being, I too am surprised by it) then came love. Ohhh man, I almost rolled my eyes at myself, but it’s true. I fought to make sure I would never fall in love with anyone for so long and then somewhere, somehow, and with a ton of God given healing and restoration, I fought to fall in love. And I did.

And all that to tell you this main story… So, here it is… June 23rd was Andrew’s birthday and he decided to plan us a special dinner. I left my house in the middle of a torrential downpour to go pick him up (birthday boys don’t have to drive), and I’m talking sideways rain you can barely see through and intense wind. So I pick him up and we head to his secret location… only for him to start panicking once we get there. I look up in the same direction and realize that there is a bright blue canopy tent hanging off the side of the building, with two of our friends trying to yank it back on… in the pouring rain. Automatically it clicks in my head that he wanted to eat dinner on the roof… and why not, that makes sense. So to fast forward, all I saw of the fancy roof top dinner were chairs and the table strewn around the roof and the canopy still hanging off the side of the building. We had to move all the stuff inside out of the rain and then my friends left and Andrew and I were left just sitting in the lobby on some couches by the fireplace… I was assuming waiting for food to come… Andrew was quite bummed out that nothing had worked as he’d planned and claiming that it was supposed to stop raining by 10 that morning… I kept telling him it was fine, we could just eat dinner in the lobby and didn’t need fancy dinner plans all the time… so then fast forward past some fabulous things he starts saying to me and there he is on a knee on the floor holding a ring up at me…

So, friends, I announce to you, that I Sherylynn Niezen, allowed Andrew Smith to smash through that last gate and when he asked me to marry him, I said YES!! Woooooweeeee, I fought a hard fight with an enemy that doesn’t play fair and I won. I no longer sit in a pool of bitterness and resentment but float around on cloud nine proud of myself and overwhelmed with how blessed I am.
God made me a Victory story and no one will take that from me.

“He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds.”
Psalm 147:3

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for sharing your Victory story! I am inspired by your vulnerability, and I can see that you've come a long way down the path of healing. I'm blessed by your testimony, and it brings me hope to know that I'm not the only one who's been through pain. You've reminded me it's a battle. We all have to fight for our healing, and fight for the goodness God has for us. I wish you all the best for your engagement and marriage!

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