Will I ever learn.

Once again, I admit that I am such a bad student. I've always known this (and let's not kid ourselves, it's been quite apparent to others as well...) but it's really started to become extra apparent and bother me these last few days. I do feel bad about it, especially because I'm so whiny about going to class. How do people handle me?!? Round of apologies. I forget to see the blessing of knowledge so many times. Boredom should never overshadow blessings.

I'm actually in class right now, hidden in the corner, and the only one typing because everyone else is listening to the teacher and I'm assuming if you are doing what she says then there is no need for typing. It get's awkward sometimes... I just sort of stop typing when it gets really quiet. So why am I such a bad student?? I keep asking myself this question because if I can figure it out I can really start to work on it. I think it's because I just do not want to be in a classroom anymore. Or maybe I just would rather teach then listen. I think that's probably it. I think I've always been this way. I get really excited to take a class but then get bored easily in it. I want to give input and ask questions at my own pace and if that option isn't there...might as well dismiss me from class. I mean, I invented "The Packup Move" about 2 years ago: If I felt a teacher was done teaching for the day or I was done learning for the day (because my teacher was just repeating the same info over and over...) I would pile up all my books on my desk and then sit there to let the teacher know I was done. Sometimes this would happen 45 minutes into a 2.5 hour class. Man, I'm a jerk sometimes. Apologies. If I were to give an excuse, I want to blame this on my dominating personality...but at the end of the day I know that I must work on this issue to become more patient and resign myself to different forms of teaching.
 If I'm going to learn I think I need it to be more in a conversation type of way as opposed to my teacher reading out a textbook for 6 hours without ever giving me a chance to talk. I like talking too..

On another note, for my class I use a usb stick that has the program I need to accomplish anything. The best part is that my usb stick stopped working like 2.5 weeks ago. Sometimes it just wont work and sometimes I believe prayer allows that usb stick to work. Perhaps this is all more a test of my faith... and building patience... I kind of refuse to buy a new one because I like the challenge of fiddling and praying over it every class. It gives me something to look forward to. Will the usb stick work or not?! Oh the excitement (not sarcasm, I really do like the thrill... it's the same as driving with my gas light on...and christmas shopping at the last second...what's gonna happen..?!?)

Sooo... in conclusion, I am a hard student to please but I want to work on this. I have been thinking all class and I think this is where I'm at in regards to being taught anything:
1) I want to be challenged, but not overwhelmed
2) I want to move through topics quickly, I will ask questions if/when I get confused
3) I want to be involved in an interesting conversation (especially in History), not told a pile of information
4) I want to get more from a class then what the textbook says, I could just read that on my own.
4) Overwhelm, teach at a slow pace or bore me with info and I will start making up my own thing to do.

I'm demanding. This I know. If anyone has tips on how I can become a better student capable of listening to a teacher for 6 hours please give me guidance.

Also, in case you all missed it... it snowed last night. Before you know it, it will be the Christmas Parade. :)

Three Weeks

"Speak my mind so that I may be free. But take the 'me' out of 'my' and make it Your own. Your will, Your guidance, Your words. Speak the words I do not want to say. The awkward, difficult, faith pushing words that save. The words that are delivered to me: the hands, feet and voice of the Lord that will bring His lost people home. The words that are uncomfortable, but so is hell. Bring the lost to Heaven and let them see for themselves that those words were never awkward or odd but words delivered to save them and guide them to their rightful home. Life is but a vapour, don't waste your few words."

What words will you say today?
Are you talking words or are you talking distractions?

Words trip overoneanother.

I went to write an incredible first sentence that gave a glimpse of how I feel right now and I had nothing besides "wow" which has lost a of its meaning in its overused state of today (much like the word epic... just saying)... and so I wrote this sentence. But now I say... wow...more correctly WWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! Because I have no better one word description. Did today just happen?!? This week just happen?!? I don't even know how to explain or express what is happening with my life, plus it is late. It is late because I have spent my night at Regen Conference at my church and then had 15 girls stay at my house. So awesome, I love it!! So once I got them all fed and in bed and finished some work stuff I now reflect on everything that happened and has happened lately. And I am overwhelmed on how God is using me for his glory. My heart is crying and breaking for the broken women of this world lately, I know how that pain can be and I don't want them to stay there. I literally cry, I plea for these women, they need to know their worth, that they are loved. And God is sending me these women. I have so much to process that I can't even explain further but I just had a night that freed me from more chains that somehow worked their way onto me. Oh I am light and I am heavy, but not burdened. The most incredible of freedom feelings and contentment and joy and I am totally rambling but again I do not have a big enough vocabulary to express myself right now. I scream JOY. (but in a quiet mute way as all 17 other people in this house right now are sleeping...)

Friends: come to Regen Conference. Simple as that.

Me... who does that even mean?!?

Sometimes it hits you that you've spent such a large portion of your life being someone else that you wake up one morning and realize you have no idea who you are. And that sounds crazy because obviously you must know yourself since you hangout with yourself all day everyday. But alas, it is not true. Which shocks me. I've run into the Wall of Realization(I totally just made that up but it sounds good) very recently that there are so many things I do not know about myself. I spent years living out a form of multiple personalities at once trying hard to be the independent person that I am while trying to adjust myself to fit into the unfortuante life choices I had made. That may sound concerning and confusing, mostly because it was; heck I was stuck in the middle of it and I was completely frustrated and confused. I changed who I was, what I stood for, what I believed, how I allowed myself to be treated by other people, what I liked and disliked and changed my very self to try and ensure that I would not be rejected, abandoned or deemed unworthy by one guy. Funny part of the story was that I was anyways. (I laugh here now because I said it was a "funny part" when really my life crumbled for over a year... and it was so the opposite, but I have regained my joy, so I laugh). Awkward... I talked about emotions...such serious posts lately... it happens.

So anyways, now my great fear I had this week that gave me a moment(or 23) of panic was that I might fall into the trap of my past again by giving people a false impression of myself and simultaneously pushing them away out of fear of hurting them and myself again. And I really, really do not want to do this. Not only is that unhealthy but hello that's crazy!! (It's ok that you were thinking it...or thinking of how crazy I just sound overall... but don't worry, it sounds weird to me too... soo ok, good, we're all on the same page here..) But clearly if I do not know who I am, how am I going to portray the real me to other people? And as brought up to me, if I can learn to be accepted and find my true value from God, only the creator of everything!, how much better and confident will my sense of self be? These are my thoughts today that were stirred up and made clearer to me by a friend this morning, whom I greatly appreciate. And so now I begin again on a journey to figure out just who I am now that I can just be 'me', free of guilt or expectation. Scary and exciting as it is.

Scars Carry Stories

Two posts in one day... making up for lost time!

So my life is still an almost overwhelming whirlwind of amazing, frustrating, saddening and inspiring events. All in one, indeed. Still in major repair work as I continue on the healing path. Which I know I haven't mentioned too much about my past and why I would require healing but perhaps the following paragraph will help explain that a bit and why I speak out now. Many times in my day to day life I get a thought in my head and then create a short kind of speech about it. This just happens, just how my mind works.

Example: 

You’ve been burned. But let people touch the scar, let them come close enough to realize that where there once was overwhelming pain, now resides altered pain-free flesh. When you get burned it becomes a huge ordeal and life can sometimes be put on hold depending on the severity of that burn, as you must cope and overcome the after affects of this burn. There is a painful wound that must be dealt with. Leave the burn unattended and try and ignore it and see what happens, it will get infected and grow worse until it becomes even harder to heal from as the pain multiplies. People notice that you get a bit disfigured, and maybe your personality changes as a result of your burn as you learn to deal with these new changes you see in yourself. Over time though, that scar becomes a story. What will your story be? A story of a scar turning you into a bitter, misshapen person? Or an inspiring story of overcoming tragic events and allowing people near that scar again? Near the scar To learn from it, learn from you, feel the scar and know that there is no pain there anymore. Sure the scar may forever be tender, but the sting of that burn is gone. You are left with only a mark to remind you to share that story, that testimony.

A delayed post of Healing (Serious level: High)

Oct. 22, 2011 

This post is quite different then most of my other posts. It gets a bit serious, which happens sometimes so let’s just roll with it. For many that do not know, I was in a very bad relationship off and on for a very long time, years actually, without anyone really knowing because I was too stuck, scared and (dare I say) stupid to say anything. I feel like there really was no ‘off’ time though as I continually was emotionally or mentally controlled by this guy, which to explain any further details on how this came about would take a very long time to post so I will just leave it at that to give you some background. So point of this is that today I went to this day long event at my church and my life gets rocked. There are many stories to share but I will give you only one for now. So, it gets put on my heart that I need to go and delete all text messages or messages that I’ve been holding on to (don’t ask why..) that are related to my past and anything that I might read and get angry and upset about over and over(and over and over and over…) again. And I’m hesitant to do it but I start with my phone. I delete off the few text messages that I’ve been carrying around on my phone on a daily basis. I’ve been carrying these text messages more so for the fact to make a case one day in case I need to prove how horrible this guy was, or save the date for remembering when everything happened (which, really… why would anyone want to do that? There’s no need to anniversary anything, it is in the past and not in the future, and there’s no need to be on guard for when I need to make a show of this guy and reveal and prove the damaging things he had said, absolutely not necessary). After those are deleted I think, well that wasn’t so bad, and then God goes ok… now move onto your emails. And I think ohhhh man, I have a ton that’s going to take forever and more so I think, this is going to hurt my heart and I don’t want to. So I open my first email account, there are apparently only 5 messages in there, I skimmed two of them and felt a bit of past resentment rise up before saying don’t do this to yourself Sherylynn and deleted them all off. Then, the second email which I knew was going to take the longest and cause the most pain going through and seeing how far back my past got messed up. I open up the email account… and there is nothing. Everything has been reset, there are no emails, it’s a completely empty email account: a fresh start. And it’s like God is saying "why are you looking here? I’ve already cleaned and made you pure, don’t you know? Thanks for your obedience for the first two; I did the big painful stuff already. That was easier than expected huh?"

Ahh God’s grace. Like a bear hug.

It's called Perspective

I will have to make it one of my many experiments to see if I can write on here more frequently.
But until then, I will now tell you some of the worst and best parts of my week:

Worst
All bad things that happened to me (in a "Why meeee!!" dramatic type way):
1) I got a paper cut on my pinky.
2) I accidentally dropped my ipod and it went flying across a parking lot.
3) I was crazy busy at work this week and getting kind of stressed out about getting everything done.
4) The Canucks lost
5) I tried to learn how to knit via YouTube "How To" video for an hour and a half with zero results.
6) I burnt the top of my mouth on hot pizza sauce and it is now semi-blistered.

Best
All awesome things that made me smile:
1) I'm so tough that I can still play piano with a big gash on my pinky. As if a paper cut will stop me.
2) After forgetting that my ipod was in my lap attached to the car cord I got out of my car and it came off the cord and went flying across the Staples parking lot, at which point all I could see was Justin Bieber's face on my ipod laying on the concrete. HAHAHAH My first thought was: "poor Justin, getting thrown around like that." Good laugh.
3) My VP at work came in to announce that we were getting another person in, therefore decreasing my work load! Me=Happy girl!
4) My joy does not depend on whether a hockey team wins or loses. And this is amazing.
5) My mom sat down with me and gave me a one on one lesson on how to knit, and now I have about 4 inches worth of a sweater. My mom is incredible!
6) I ate the most delicious pizza this week. Hamburger bacon pizza, need I say more.

Bragging Moment: I got 100% on my Excel midterm this week. Now, it's not really as impressive as it sounds, but nonetheless 100%. Dream dreams friends, believe that you can excel at whatever you put your mind to.

Bragging Moment Extended (this is bad of me to continue on bragging like this... but I guess I'm going to do it anyway): I made it my experiment this week to get to work on time every single day this week. (Course I picked a 4 day work week to increase my chances). Now I know this sounds ridiculous but... stop judging me. Some people need 6 alarms to wake up in the morning... it happens. Anyways, I did it!! Someone believed in this great dream and it helped encourage me to achieve this experiment. Heck, punctuality worked so well for me last week I think I might do it again next week!

And after all is said and done, I just want to say that it was soo hard as a self declared optimistic person to come up with a list of bad things that happened in a week. Things are only "bad" if we don't take the time to see the good in them.

But now, it is sunny outside, and I have a soccer game to go to and cheer on some friends. Ohhh it is well with my soul. Have a wonderful day friends!